[ring]
- Astral Helpline, how may I help you?
- Yes, hello? I got through? [nervous laughter]
- Yes, you got through. How may I help you?
- Well, um...... [embarrassed silence] Well, I think I'm pregnant.
- Are you sure you called the right number? This is Astral Helpline, you can reach your local hospital thro...[interruption]
- Yes, yes, I want the Astral Helpline! You see, I have this astral lover and...
- Oh, I see. Now your belly is growing at an alarming rate, you feel an overwhelming urge to eat strange herbs and you have very lively and disturbing dreams?
- No.... not really. But I do get this terrible morning sickness!
- And the astral lover is the only lover you've had for quite some time?
- [angry voice] Yes, of course! What do you think I am!!
- Sorry, Ma'am, I'm just doing my job, I need to ask questions.
- Oh... OK... But I don't have any other lovers! There was this guy at the party but he's not my lover, he doesn't count!!
- Did you have s.. [interruption]
- Ooops. [click]
[ringring]
- Astral Helpline, how may I help you?
- Hi! I'm half a God and I have a problem.
- Eh... I'm not sure I quite caught you. You are a half-God?
- No! Stupid! I'm half a God!
- OK, I think I caught you now. You are half a God. How may I help you?
- I need you to go astral with me!
- This is Astral Helpline, we offer help on matters astral over the phone, this number won't offer group astral tra...[interruption]
- I am half a God and I want you to go astral with me! You have to help me find my other half so I can become a whole God!
- Sir, I understand that being just half a God can be frustfrating, but...[interruption]
- I'm still a dormant half a God, my skills aren't fully developed yet! I need to awaken! I got bored of being just a spirit and took over a mortal body and then got split in two!
- And how could I help with that?
- I command you to go astral with me!
- Sir, here at Astral Helpline, we really don't offer group astral travels, we offer help over the phone.
- No need to be so sulky!
- Sir, I can give you the number to Astral Group Travels, inc.
- Stupid mortal! [click]
[ring]
- Astral Helpline, how may I help you?
- [sounds of sobbing]
- Madam? Calm down, breath, I'm here to help you. What is your problem?
- I.... I went astral traveling and now... [sobbing] now I can't get back to my body!
- Oh.... OK. How do you know this?
- I tried to come back but now I can't see anything!
- Right. So, I'll talk you through this, are you ready?
- [sobbing] Yes...
- I need to ask something first, did you go astral with only a candle giving you light?
- Yes....
- Alright. Can you envision yourself back in the room you left? Imagine it in your mind's eye.
- I'm doing it right now. I still can't see anything, tho!!
- Just relax. Do you know where the nearest light switch would be in your room?
- Yes...
- Could you reach it from where your body is?
- I think so, yes.
- Good, very good. Now, imagine moving your hand towards the light switch. In fact, move your astral body's hand towards it. Are you with me?
- Yes, I am moving my hand.
- Can you feel the light switch?
- Yes, I can! What do I do now?
- Switch the light on!
- Yes! Yes! It worked! I got back! I can see! Thank you!!
- That's what we're here for, Ma'am. Astral Helpline at your service.
[click]
Text: Faerie K.
Distribute at will as long as the author's name is mentioned